New Attempts At Gardening - Oh The Memories - Gardening with Grandma

The good thing about blogging – you can pick up anytime you want and add fresh new posts.

 

My current endeavors include gardening. Do any of you garden? What exactly is gardening? Lots of memories in this head of mine involving gardens. Last night I was talking with my mom, we probably spent 45 min discussing it. The smile my face was wearing the whole time was so important to me. 

 

When I think of gardening I think of my mom’s family. They all had gardens. This little town in Kansas is called Goodland. That’s where they were all from, well I mean they are originally from the Wichita area but that’s splitting hairs.

Goodland, Ks, this is where my gardening memories start. My grandmother had the most beautiful backyard you’d ever see. It was quintessential mid-west. They had a beautiful patio that I just wished I could duplicate. Their yard was massive and the garage the prettiest red shade you can picture. But, along her back fence, that was where the real magic happened. 

 

I would be lying if I knew the real dimensions, but it had to at least be 10x30 feet, this garden. I close my eyes and can picture the summer days with crops sprouting and waiving in the air. As a little girl, my best memory was going into her garden and eating her tomatoes. My mother told me last night that this particular habit of mine started when I had just learned to walk, at our at-home garden in Wichita.

 

Maybe that’s why this memory makes me smile so much, it is one that ties me to my mother and my grandmother. All I want is a tomato plant of my own now, 38 years later. 

 

Since I’ve been married almost every year I have dreamed of my own garden like Grandma had. Two years ago, I started too late in the season and all I was able to make grow was a pumpkin vine that only had female buds, so no pumpkins grew. Last year was way more successful. I had 20 different items planted and they all sprouted and looked great. And then the blasted April showers hit, and it rained for 3 weeks. My poor garden didn’t survive. I was able to harvest 1 successful cucumber and 3 green beans.

 

Needless to say, it was not a successful harvest,

This year I am prepared. I researched and looked for outdoor greenhouses and I think I will like the one I settled on. It is a 12x8 footprint. Perfect for the above grounds I currently have in the yard and ample room to add the fruit pants I plan on putting in pots. 

 

Tonight is the night, I have a couple seedlings to transplant that I started on my counter inside a few weeks back, but the bulk of my crop will be planted as seeds. The lettuce and broccoli did not survive the countertop, so I must restart those. I have 3 tomato plants started; I hope to see them flourish. My son seems just as excited as I am about this venture so I hope he and I can do this together. That would be a lot of fun. 

 

When I was talking with my mom last night, she told me I should blog about this experience. That’s the first thing in a while that sparked some creative juices in me. Maybe because it ties me to my grandmother, who I miss terribly. She died during Hurricane Harvey and my world has been lacking a lot without her in it. I called her brother last week, my great uncle, and asked him for some help on my seedlings. He has a non-profit farm in Denver and helps to feed the population up there. Unfortunately, he says Denver and Houston are too different and I would have better luck going to a nursery for help. Apparently, climates really do play a huge factor in it.

 

Not sure how much I will blog, but I do think I will. I love journaling my experiences, that way I can always look back and remember. Plus, this blog is called ‘Memories in a Box’ and this is literally memories from my past being transformed into a box of dirt!

 

Momma was right, I should blog about this.

 

Today is going to be a great day and I just can’t wait to see what my garden has in store for me in 3 months. 

 

I’ve never had the pleasure of feeding my family food I have grown on my own, and I am thrilled to experience that for the first time. We live on a pretty great size lot and maybe one day the dream of self-sufficient fruits and veggies can partially come true.

 

Although I hear banana trees bring in snakes, therefore I will happily continue to buy those at Aldi’s.

 

I’d love to hear your experiences with gardening or tips and tricks, please leave a comment below.

The Greenhouse - pre planting!

Here is a carrot I found leftover in the garden this weekend when I was cleaning. Imagine my surprise! 

When Life Throws A Curve Ball ...

 

It's been almost a year, since I felt the desire to write on my blog. A friend told me today maybe if I took 30 minutes out of each day to find something to do in the writing realm, that maybe I will find my creative spark again. This year has just wiped me out completely. They say that things happen for a reason, well, maybe I can see why the first part of the year played out the way it did.

They never said life as a wife or mom would be easy or even fulfilling every day, but this year is truly testing my resilience and strength in these areas. Not sure even how to put thoughts to paper about the emotions or struggles this year has brought forth in our lives. I just know that this year the feeling of isolation and voids have been prominent in certain points that don't usually cross my path. I hadn't realized how lost my mind had actually become until this past weekend when I was at an author event in San Antonio. I was surrounded by author friends I hadn't been able to see in two years because of COVID. Readers I hadn't seen even longer. It was just a wonderful day that filled my cup to the rim with enjoyment. 

That is something that this latter half of 2021 has truly been without in a lot of ways.

At the start of the year I ventured out into the political arena in my small city. I had the most eventful and fun four months. I made literally 100s of new friends, I went to so many different peoples homes and got to know them. I was welcomed by many. Even though in the end I fell short it was one of the most rewarding and grandest adventures I've taken in my 38 years. I haven't ruled out doing it again. I learned a lot, I also think I made a difference. I thought even though I was in an uphill battle, this was going to be my year.

Then May 1st happened. This is the first time I've written since my Aunt Pam died. It's weighed on me so much over the summer. So many times I wanted to break out the blog and just put my feelings and thoughts out there. Many times I wanted to pick up my WIP and just try to give my characters life again. But Aunt Pam was gone. She won't read it. She won't be there to cheer me on when I feel my confidence lacking. It just isn't the same.

At 9:30 that morning when I found out she had died, I knew writing would be a huge challenge. When that person who inspires and pushes you isn't there, picking up the pieces becomes harder. You can't pick who your muse is, or who your mind associates with certain aspects. And writing was always her. She believed in me to a point that I just couldn't ever feel from anyone else. How do I pick up and move on from here? I just feel very lost on that part of it.

But, shortly after, my Grandma, her sister, died. Just 20 days later. My heart hurt in ways unimaginable. I was one of those extremely blessed kids who grew up with not one, but all four of my grandparents throughout my whole childhood. Through my religious upbringing, my Taekwondo journeys, my Debate tournament preparations, college, wedding, writing, everything. 2012 hit and first went Grandpa Pete. I didn't think I could ever get over the immense loss I felt kissing him goodbye for the last time. I had my writing to help me with that grief. But when I lost his wife during Hurricane Harvey and then just a couple years later my other grandma, it is as if the loss complies on one another. Each one worse than the last. Now, I'm down to Joe. He was one of the strongest men to me growing up. But I know at 90 he isn't going to live forever. 2021 took so much from me this year I am extremely scared for these last 3 months.

In the past I've written about our adoption story and being a special needs mom. This summer posed a new kink in our system, my husband. I never thought I would have to prepare myself so young to see my husband suffer. We've not spoken about this publicly. We've kept it to ourself for the most part. In June, he had a significant neurological event that rendered him unable to work. We've been rebuilding throughout the summer. Finding the 'new normal' in our family dynamic. Some weeks easier than others, some weeks just hell. Pure hell. 

That's when the isolation feeling really kicked in. You look around when you're knee deep in hell and you see just exactly who is there for you, who actually has your back. It isn't always the people that you think it is. Individuals I've known many many years even at a point family, leaving you alone. That suddenly you become dependent in a way on the kindness of strangers. 

Maybe I lost the election because God knew I couldn't do both, help run a city and balance this new normal in our lives right away. Or maybe I hadn't learned enough life experiences yet. But I know what I've learned after all of this. 

Bonds only work when they are two way, each working together. Luckily Tony and I have each other, and our bond has only gotten stronger.

Those people I mentioned at the start of this blog, those individuals who opened their home to me and believed in me. The kindness of strangers really showed through these clouds. We have had several families open their hearts and help us, even when we say no. In some small ways I didn't even realize how much it meant to us, to me. Balancing this life on my shoulders has taken me to my knees many times in the last 4 months. We have no real clear picture on what the future is going to be like in our house but I wish I wasn't feeling alone. 

If you know me you know my schedule is jammed I am always out doing something, I'm always bustling around town either in Scouts, city committees, work, and a lot of doctors appointments. So being alone isn't something I often associate with myself. But alone is how I feel. 

Maybe it is due to the fact we haven't been very public about how this has happened to us. Or maybe it is because it happened to him, and not me. He's much more reserved, less vocal. 

The worst part, the city I fought so hard to help be a part of, the city that employed him for 13 years and 9 months, let him go 2 days after his FMLA expired. The city that we moved to because we wanted our children to be in a safe and loving place. Now I am battling this duality. Loving a city that has given back to us in so many many many ways, and hating it for what it's taken away from us, security. Luckily for my neighbors and friends I know the citizens are different from the city. But that's been a huge challenge for me.

Just more to the directional disfunction I am feeling in my life. I quite literally have no idea what to do in the future. I hate risk, I hate not being prepared. And here I am, sitting at the cliff feeling like I am going to take a tumble and dive into the abyss. 

There is only so much battling duality I can manage and this summer has taught me I just am not as strong as everyone says I am. There is a little girl inside of me crying daily for relief to come. There is a teenager yearning to hear the voices of her loved ones one more time to help her feel confident. Then, adult Ashley, grieving for the life she had six months ago. How time changes things in such a dramatic way that it was gone and I didn't even get to say goodbye. 

I don't understand how people can kneel before God and put their lives in his hands with undeniable faith. God has really let me down my entire adult life. And now, when it felt like we were finally on the paths we were meant to be on, Tony has a literal fall and our futures diverts into this unknown dimension.

This has been a lot of rambling, even for me. But, I guess as my therapist might say it all needed to come out.

I know one thing, when our lives calm and we know what our future will look like, I won't forget those who helped us manage through this obstacle. But more importantly, I won't forget who left us to struggle. When I get past this mess, I know what relationships I won't waste the effort on. Because like I said, a bond is a two way deal.

I just wish that maybe for a few moments in time I could find a way each week to feel like myself, and find a way to bring back that happy Ashley, that Ashley Saturday that was in her element talking about writing and reading. 

Maybe I should start with the most simplest of tasks, pick up a good book.

Next weekend is my 20 year high school reunion. The idea of seeing the people who I cherished growing up all together for the first time in decades has gotten me through these past months of muddling through these emotions. I just hope that once the 17th is gone, I can find a way to channel that younger Ashley. The one who had confidence and faith through each bone of her body. Maybe then I will be able to finish my next book. And then maybe I won't feel so alone.

Harris County DA’s Office - Doesn’t Care about Special Needs

 Adoption is a blessing and a curse. In so many ways the good outweighs any negative, but the negative seems suffocating at times. Without going into all the personal details of my children’s world we had an encounter two and a half weeks ago, you could say, with the bio-mother. God - I never knew fear like I did on the 21st. 

When your child is away from you, missing, for any amount of time, your world collapses. The night and following day is like a blur to me now. If I didn’t vividly remember every moment my son was missing, I may have thought it was simply a nightmare and didn’t really happen. But, for a few hours, my world just was destroyed. 

But after the collapse you start to rebuild, and part of rebuilding with adopted children, special needs to be specific, comes to police/legal response. Now I have said since the day we moved into my little town inside of Houston, I love the police department, the people, everyone, in my city. I never want to leave, the support and compassion is unmatched.

But where is that support from Harris County?

On top of being my children’s adopted parents, we are also legal guardians of our son, who is special needs. This means that now that he is 18 he still has to receive help, like a lot of special needs families experience. Which means he cannot decide where he lives without our guidance and approval.

So when this bio-mother takes your ‘legal ward’ away from you, you would think that’s kidnapping. Since she is denying us access. But apparently, according to the Harris County District Attorney’s office, it is not. It seems the DA just picks and chooses which court orders to enforce and which laws to charge regardless of what the legal documents say.

How the hell are we supposed to keep our children safe when the court system is against us? 

For some perspective - bio-mother is on probation from drug charges from prison, not to mention she lost her parental rights because she was an abusive monster to her own children. 

So I asked, “Why does a druggie on parole get more protection than my son?” And the officer didn’t have any answer for me as to why the courts can’t help.

Not to mention that this monster didn’t serve a day of time for the neglect, abuse and torture she put my children through. Why didn’t she? Well when I asked this question 4 years ago I got “Because children are unreliable witnesses”.

How is this right? We have all of these social justice warriors out there fighting for rights of certain parts of the population who are overlooked and left to suffer, but what about my son? Why am I (and my husband) the only ones able to advocate for him? The officer told me “You can try Montgomery County since the bio-mother crossed county lines, maybe they will help you.”

I spoke with a Montgomery County sheriff’s officer yesterday afternoon. I will have to go up in person and file the claim, which I am going to do. But even he told me it’s a crapshoot on if their DA will take the charges. But that I had a better shot with them than I did with Harris County.

WHY IS IT OKAY FOR THAT TO BE THE CASE? WHY CAN’T HARRIS COUNTY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT PEOPLE’S RIGHTS AND PROTECT THEIR CITIZENS?

I am so tired, so damn tired, of the ‘left’ claiming they are the party of the people. No they are the party of the spotlight. Because if they were truly the party of the people then when a legally disabled, partially incapacitated adult is taken from his home against his guardians wishes and left on the side of the highway, you press charges!

I don’t care if you are republican or democrat or a tea party or an extremist- protect the citizens who can’t protect themselves! 

When I called the DA’s office to see about a protective order, here is what happened. It’s been a week now since I filed the application (I had to wait on the police report number before I filed) and the email reply I got was “someone will contact you in 2-3 weeks to hear your case” when I asked “what happens when it’s accepted” her reply was “cases that are approved right now are on the docket for December, so maybe January or February you will get to go to trial”. Really? 4-6 months to get a legal form to protect my children from this monster? WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MEAN TIME????

Where is the justice for my children? Where is the justice for all children who are abused or disabled and in the same situation as my son? 

Where is the parades of people telling the DA to fight for their right? 

Nowhere ... because they are just part of the system and only their family members care enough to fight.

District Attorney Kim Ogg - I didn’t vote for you before and I will never vote for you. Your website spouts all this pride about the things you have done for victims but I haven’t seen your office protect the victims living in my home that I have loved and cared for for the last five years. You may have done a few good deeds but from what I can tell, your office clearly only cares about easy cases. 

I may not have as large of a media presence as actors in Hollywood, but I do have a small social platform. And I truly feel like this is a fight worth fighting. People should know what their DA does out of the limelight, how their DA leaves disabled adults in situations that could turn life threatening. 

As I started this piece out about adoption I will close it with adoption. It’s hard. It’s tiring. It’s rough. But it’s worth it. Because these two individuals who have stolen my heart will always have a place to call home with a family who will love them unconditionally. And even through society let them down, I never will. I’ll always fight for them. Anyway I can.

Long Time No Blog - Getting Back On The Horse

I’ve sat here for like 11 minutes looking at a white blank screen. In 2 years I have written 5 blog posts, five. I don’t even know what to make of that. Memories in a Box had gotten up to quite a good bit of followers and now I have let her dwindle down to 72. Sad, just sad, that’s what I am experiencing. I am recommitting to blogging. I want to say 1 blog a week but you and I know that may not happen. So how about 1 every 2 weeks? I don’t want to blame it on being a mom, but it’s the truth. Motherhood is exhausting, being a wife is exhausting. Being a mother and a wife during COVID is damn near a mental health crisis. But that’s no excuse, no excuse for not taking time out of my insanity to sit down and do something for myself. 

I’ve been pondering that for a while now, time for myself. This is going to seem silly to some of you but I am really excited about it.

My college years were filled with me working my butt off to achieve my own personal greatness. My BBA in Economics was stellar, my overall ‘major’ GPA was a 3.88 and my overall ‘minor’ GPA in Poli-Sci 4.0. I came .005 points away from graduating Cum Laude. I mean, hell of an accomplishment. I was in the Poli Sci & general studies honor societies. I had so many expectations for myself. I spent a year working for Congressman Jim Turner as an intern my sophomore year. It was a fantastic experience. My hopes and dreams were set as high as the sky.

Not sure where my life turned off the road of dreams but sometime in 2006-2009 reality sank in and I knew I had to adjust my dreams. Time passed so quickly that I woke up one day and I accomplished nothing. And I still wake up today feeling that at times.

Solution - doing for myself. Putting numero uno first. 

Some may think, that must mean writing, or maybe reading more (because yeah reading books kinda stopped too), but you’re wrong. I am donating my time to my small town’s local boards. Helping with a couple things. It’s a once a month commitment, sometimes more, but it is fun for me. 

Our little town nestled outside of Houston really is amazing, I can’t say enough great things about it. And finding a way to give back to the people here is making me happy. I started slow, joining the Parks & Rec board. Had fun seeing how little things make a real difference in the lives of my neighbors. Now I added a second endeavor, Charter Review. It sounds like a big deal, seems like a big deal, and I hope, I can leave an impact. Our first meeting is coming up in just under 2 weeks and of course I am nervous. But it is a good nervous.

I told my husband back when we first started dating I had wanted to be in politics since I was 7 years old. then I fell in love with the study of Economics and it changed my whole life’s course. Well Econ has gotten me this far ... time to go back to my roots. 

So now I am going to become more involved in my little town. See how far it takes me. Who knows where it will go. I would like to run for City Council in 2022. Maybe Mayor in 2024 or 2026, who knows. I’m not even sure which year the mayor election is held I guess I should look that up before I’m out here typing it into the internet world. 

But I am doing this for me. Something unique to match a dream this little girl had back in 1990 when she looked up in awe while watching President Bush speak before the nation. I don't want to call this part of my Bucket List, but in some ways it is. Bucket Lists are goals and my goal has always been to be involved in helping shape the world around me.

I should also say I am serious about me going to start blogging more. Because lord knows there is a ton of crap on my mind and it would be nice to put it somewhere. But I can hear my dad’s voice in my head telling me if I am serious about maybe running in a couple years I should probably keep my thoughts to myself.

Guess time will tell if the world is ready for Ashley Nemer. I can be pretty fierce and it’s time to see that version of me out and about again.

Elevation - 1st 14 Days! How High Can Ya Go!

Holy Cow Batman!

Have you ever seen a house get raised in the air before? Well prior to Friday the 17th I hadn’t either. My husband and I bought a house in June that was apart of the FEMA Grant process for a house elevation. We had no idea what all would go into this process so when they showed up last Monday, we were in shock at the amount of dirt.

In just about three days we had amassed huge piles of dirt that I was sure would leave us with a mud bath everywhere. There were holes dug under our house for tunnels that spanned the entire house length.

 The dogs were going crazy, poor Toto & Doogie. What those two pups must be thinking as they watch this going on. Their favorite thing is to chase squirrels in the back yard and now they are only allowed out via leash. It’s really put a damper in their day, we can tell.

Not to mention that taking Doogie out for his 20 trips to go potty is really annoying, it’s the small things that get cha....

Then, the mud ... everything was going fine until Mother Nature decided she needed to have a rain storm. That’s when my pretty white tile floors got a paint job. All in brown.

Doggie foot prints, teenager shoe prints, husband boot tracks, my own imprints here and there. Mud and dirt literally everywhere. It was almost like there was no point in even moping because literally the next hour it would be back.

Talk about a pain in the butt!

But then ... the big day arrives ... Elevation day.

Our house flooded in Tropical Storm Allison in 2001 & Tax Day 2017.

  

The city applied for a grant and since our home had been apart of these tragic events from previous owners they were eligible for this program. We were lucky because the program was transferable when we purchased the house. It received 18 inches of rain inside during both events from what we were told. And the program requires homes to become elevated 18 inches above BFE. That’s how we ended up 44 inches in the air.

It was truly crazy watching. I was worried since it had been full of rain for almost a week. It was off and on rain, misty, and just kinda blah. So when I was told we were still on pace for elevating Friday it was a huge relief. Because the sooner we elevated the sooner the mud left my home.

I took video’s of the elevation, my kids even got to help. The company that performed the work, Planet Three Elevation has been really great. I can’t wait to see what the finished product will look like.

We were heartbroken when we lost the front shrubs in our yard, so the whole landscaping will be new for us. Since this is the first home we have owned we haven’t had to do this before. In some ways it is exciting because in a year whatever is growing will be what we did on our own.

Hopefully the project only has four more weeks left ... hopefully. They said as short as 45 days as most as 70, depending on the weather and complications.

It’s been one wild and crazy experience and it is only 13 days in so far. Can’t wait to see what the other 30 bring!

Take a gander at this video, it is amazing what technology can do. It really really is.

Happy Sunday! Go Chief’s!!

New Year, New Blog, Back in the Saddle

Wowzers it has been sometime since I posted a blog post. I hadn’t realized I let it lapse so much. I need to get back into the blogging world for sure. Maybe I will add that to my to do list this year. I’d love to say I will post once a week but we all know that it is hard to get back into the grove of things. But, I will try.

New for 2020 this year:
- New Job
- Home being elevated
- Resolved to lose weight and get healthier
- WILL write 2 new books at least

I’ll tell you what was hard, leaving my company after 10.5 years with them. I’m not big on change and that certainly didn’t come easy. I was super scared at what the possibilities ahead of me were going to be and I just didn’t know how it would all lay out.

After taking a leap of faith I started a new job at an Oil & Gas plant 1/6. It is a completely different job than I have done in the past. When I stopped to think about it the other day, it had been a solid 8 years since I learned a brand new totally new skill set. After two weeks there I have discovered that yes, change is good. It has allowed me to expand my wings and soar in a new way. I’m loving getting to know an industry I grew up all around and had family in, but never took a dive there myself.

Change is so hard but I am glad to see that it is working out.

Onto writing topics ... I am really trying to get Golden Hour done. I have 15,000 words in 5 chapters. It has literally taken me a year to write that far. Sad I know. Hoping that with pushing to do writing on my blog each week that will help with the creative juices so they get flowing that way I can do more. I really want to be able to wrap up this part of the Kemah Sunrise series by the end of February that way I can have my new book out by the Meet and Greet in April.

I remember a time when writing came so easily to me. It would pour out of me and 5,000 word days would be nothing hard to accomplish. Even 10,000 word Saturdays. Becoming a mom made that really difficult because, you know, kids are energy vampires.

The Ones Who Lived is still doing pretty decent at events. But I know I need to get another one out soon, especially to the Pasadena crowd. I’ve had several request but I just, ugh, writers block. I’m open to ideas if anyone wants to shoot them my way. I always love reader feedback.

For the moment I think this will wrap up my first post of 2020. I am working on a post about the elevation at my house. It is pretty crazy, I’ll get that one up in the next 48 hours, hopefully tomorrow. Goodnight and here’s hoping 2020 is my year for blogging again. That you readers who have stayed loyal over these years. It’s been a hell of a fun journey.

Just one day ... A special needs mom's thoughts

Not a typical blog post from me - but this is what's on my mind and I needed to get it out.

Special needs parenting is so hard. It’s almost like you’re stuck on an island where everyone can see you but no one can hear your screams or find a way to come and bring you back to civilization. Even when your spouse is an active participant, your two experiences and journeys are so different. So many low points where you feel that the beat down you just experienced is your low point, just to find out that no, in fact, it can and will get worse.

No one tells you how truly unbearable it can be at times.

Yet, every day we have to keep going. We have to wake up and try again, just to keep failing day after day. Talk about feeling insane, trying and doing the same stuff, different stuff, ANYTHING and expecting a new result. When will that ever actually happen?

Probably the hardest part of it all, that special needs child, doesn’t even realize what’s truly happening behind the scenes. Doesn’t mean to cause the trouble and drama, doesn’t understand why they are wrong.

This is what makes me feel guilty, how can I be angry when I can’t even know if he is comprehending.

I sit on this island daily, and it isn’t a pretty tropical one with warm sand between my toes and dolphins swimming in the sea. It’s an island of hell, one with thunder and lightning casting down rainstorms constantly. Lava shooting up under my feet if I take one wrong step. It’s an island where I can see the world going by, without me. I can see friends and family moving onto other things and adventures. Jobs off in the distance I can’t ever reach. Goals, loves, experiences just out of grasp because there is something wrapped around my ankle’s keeping me shackled.

Does anyone else feel this way? Who knows? I hate the online support groups, they make me feel so guilty for my feelings.

And you can’t talk to the people around you, because they will judge you. They will see how strict you have to be to keep order and control in your house and judge you. Judge your child, judge your family. Cast weary glances at you and your kid because you’re having a meltdown in a restaurant over carrots. Everyone is an enemy because they could hurt your child emotionally with judgment.

That’s the kicker. At the end of the day, no matter the hell you’re living, you still love that child more than anything in the whole world. You walk through that hell daily, for them, gladly to keep them safe. Never with regret, just with a lot of burden. Burden of the world constantly pushing against you. You’re the only defense that child has and that pressure builds up. Which brings back more guilt for feeling all of this anxious emotions.

I just want, no need, one day out of hell. One day to recharge, to live, to just, not have to carry the burden. I have a friend who says she will rest when she dies, I’m not her. I refuse to accept that. There has to be an easier way.

I just wish I knew what it was. I just wish, one day, that child knows how much was sacrificed so he could have a good life.

It isn’t all bad, but when it is, its hell. Maybe, soon, more good days will be on the rise.

Maybe I’ll get that one day…