Thursday, January 9, 2014

Some Nights...

Some nights you cannot help but feel the heart ache. Feel the pain that stabs you over and over whenever you look at the people around you, smiling, happy and leading their seemingly perfect lives.

It's not something that you relish in, this feeling of jealousy. It's just something that is. It's there, it's a constant, and it's painful. Even when you do not want it to be.

The social media of this world is fantastic, it provides everyone so much. And yet, as wonderful as it is, it is also a curse. A curse for those who are given a constant reminder of failures or things that they wanted but cannot have.

You look around at all of your 'friends.' Be them people you follow on Twitter, people whom you have added on Facebook, people who you follow on Pinterst, or one of the other hundreds of media outlets around this world called the internet. You notice what they post, who comments and what it consists of. The hopes and dreams you always wanted but never could find or have.

It's so easy for us to judge everyone else, quick to place blame, and in a hurry to write people off because we do not understand.

Tonight I find myself guilty of that ... guilty of being jealous of what I view as others good fortunes when I couldn't have that.

And then suddenly something hits and reminds me - their life isn't perfect either, it's just different. And who am I to judge that they aren't deserving of what they have been given just now.

It's a hard pill to swallow, remembering everyone isn't as lucky as they seem on the outside. But also that my own misfortune isn't bad luck, just not this current journey's path.

I scrolled through my Facebook news feed and saw over a dozen photos of people I grew up with, family members, or general people I have 'added' online and saw photos of their children, their baby snap shots, or their ultra sounds. Each image feeling like a reminder of my short comings.

My heart sinks each and every time I am reminded of my failures. Tonight it feels harder than other nights. I'm not sure why. I don't even know exactly how to process the grief that hits suddenly at times. All I know is, it makes me want to write. No, have to write.

Some nights I wish I could mute the world and crawl into a hold and just live my life. Others I stop and realize that while I might not have motherhood just yet I have other fantastic journey's going on that others might wish they had.

One day I will remember this and the jealousy will stop, or at least hurt less. One day, I will find a way to hold my child in my arms. Even if it takes the rest of my life. One day, I will feel complete in my journey and path.

So now I'm going to curl up with a book, listen to music and read until my heart's pain is drown out and sleep overtakes me. All with the hope that one day, I will understand my journey and path.

I wish I knew where my Ashley's Randomness came from tonight, why I let heartache over come my normal emotions. Maybe it's because no matter how many days, months and years have passed since I lost my babies not a day goes by that I don't think of them. My four angels in heaven. Maybe it is because tonight I found myself praying to God for peace in my heart and soul. Maybe I will learn how to come to terms with realities I cannot change.

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