Saturday, November 22, 2014

As I Look Around ....

As I look around my room tonight I see so many changes. Things that I never thought would be
inside of my writing room. Items that never  seemed possible. A future that always seemed so far out of reach.

As I look around my room tonight I see a new beginning about to take place. I can feel the hope, the possibilities, the future. I can feel the change.

Embarking on parenthood is a very different journey for each person. It means something special to each individual that takes these steps. And everyone prepares for it differently. Some go out and buy all the books they can and read up on what to expect. Others grab paint and a brush and start decorating the perfect nursery. Some instantly run out to the store and sign up for registries.

But what do you do if this journey isn't taking the natural course. If you have to go outside of the box and wait for a child to be given to you by someone else? How do you prepare for that?

For us, it has been a challenge. First, there is a decade of items inside our rooms, rooms that we never thought would get to hear the sounds of children playing, sleeping, crying, whatever it may be. It is finding which items to toss out, which to give away and which to keep and hold onto. It started out for us going through our lives and shifting things around.

Then, what do we purchase? Adoption isn't as hard in some ways than natural children. For instance, our insurance bill is way less, the physical pain is non-existent and then the 'consummation date' is quite literally up in the air.

Me being a reader, I went out and looked for so many things on line about what to do when you're expecting an adoption. I was very saddened to see there wasn't a lot of literature to help me prepare my home and my heart for this. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places but there wasn't much for the 'under 3 and in CPS care' type situations.

That made it hard.

So now I look around my former library/writing room. There is a crib with a yellow sheet on it and  some stuffed animals. A changing table that has a couple sippy cups and baby bath stuff on it. A dresser with cute drawers and a couple books on it.

And all we are missing is a child.

I never thought we would be this close. To almost feel the love of a child in our home. To know that in 2 weeks or 2 months or 6 months we could get a phone call and meet our future baby.

It is kind of silly but in my head I fantasize about my first Facebook status after this child becomes legally our son or daughter. About finally being able to join all of my friends in stating, "welcome to the world baby brown, you're finally home."

The hardest part used to be knowing I can't have children. Now the hardest part is knowing I have no idea WHEN this is going to happen.

Boy or girl, it doesn't matter to me.  All I am praying and waiting for is the day I can hold this future child who has been growing in my heart for over 8 years.

Elizabeth would have been 7 in October of this year had she lived. It's hard, thinking about her. And what she would have been like. Her brown hair and brown eyes like me. Or green eyes and blonde hair like my husband. Or maybe a mix of brown hair and green eyes. Would her nose have been like mine and my grandma's? Would she love super hero's like her dad? Would she scream at the top of her lungs when she didnt get her way like I'm told I did as a toddler.

Would she  have been happy and smart?

No child will ever replace what we've lost. But soon a child will fill that void. And ever since we started the program that's all my mind thinks about. Nothing else matters. Just the knowledge and hope that someday soon. I'll get my child.

I have no idea how parents do it. The constant thoughts about their children. How can anything else get done? Daily I am thinking of things I need to fix in our house or add to my list of items to purchase for said future child. It never stops. I imagine once this being gets here it will be a 100 times worse.

But I can't wait.

So tonight it really is a true randomness blog. Rambling on and on about stuff that may or may not make sense to the person reading it. But that's okay. 2014 has been an odd year but I am ready for 2015. It will be good to experience a new part of life. A new journey. And a new challenge.

I know you're out there my future child .. I just hope you don't take too too long to come home.

November 22nd - National Adoption Day

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