Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Bottle of Emotion

It's hard ... waiting.

Having that thing called patience is almost impossible when the stuff you want the most is beyond your reach.

I have gone back and forth for the last six months thinking about writing down my emotions during the adoption process. One of my grandmothers thinks I should turn my husband and my experience into a book. I keep telling her, "I don't know grandma, that's a lot of work and this is really private." But then what else should I do when the only things on my mind are about adoption. My other writing has virtually stopped because I can't think about anything else.

I've had my newest attempt at a story A ZOMBIE'S LAIR up on the screen for about an hour and I haven't added one word to it. Instead I have surfed the endless websites for children who need homes. Looking for kids that seem to be the perfect fit in our little family.

So maybe now that I have started writing about what was actually on my mind the zombie muse can come back. But I doubt it.

We were informed last week that the children we were seeking to adopt were going to be going to another family. That was very hard to hear. We had been looking at these children's photo for seven weeks. We had been learning about them, thinking about them, praying for them for seven weeks.

Seven weeks - just to be told 'no.'

People will tell you "God has a plan for you." "It wasn't mean to be." Or my favorite, "This just means your kids are still out there."

And as much I agree with those statements - it doesn't make it any easier for us.

Friends say, "It's great those children have so many people who want them." And it absolutely is amazing for those children. But what about us? What about the other couples whose fate is still left in the hand of total strangers?

How do you just keep waiting?

You wouldn't think wanting to be a parent would be this hard, but it is. For those of us who can't have children the traditional way.

So this weekend my husband and I are going to an adoption event to meet children. The amount of emotion I am nervous about having to go through is almost petrifying. I mean, everyone has gone to the pet store or the mall when they are having 'adoption' days right? And those are just puppies and kitty's. How are we going to do this with little children who need mothers and fathers?

Growing up I knew I wanted to adopt because my mother was adopted. What I didn't plan was being an actual mother. In college I had my ten year plan. Of course that didn't include a husband or children. It was work work work, law school, bar exam, law practice. Then Economics, PhD, professor. I spent my early twenties planning for what never happened ....

Now ...

Now I would do anything just to have a family that consisted of two human children, not just my dog children.

I look at these photos of little girls. I never wanted a daughter. I used to say "I'm not a girlie-girl, what would I do with a daughter?" And looking at those photos I just want to open my arms to these girls and say "I want to be your mom."

Granted I am still worried as all hell at what I would do with a girl...Just today I had to ask one of my friends, "What's the name of that jewelry place that sells all the silver stuff..." She's like, "James Avery."

Yeah, I am doomed if I get a girl. God help her! But that's a challenge I totally and completely want. Hopefully if that does happen she likes a little sports and camping.

Sighs - I don't think getting this all out is going to help my zombie story line at all. But it did give me that release. My New Years resolution was supposed to be working on those personality traits that hinder my success. Patience being one of them.

No idea how I am going to manage this year.

And in two weeks for lent I'm giving up soda and candy .... and cussing.

Lord I am doomed!

So if you are reading this - and you have children. I hope you don't take them for granted. Because as easy as it looks for some to have the miracle of parenthood, for others it isn't that easy. It's a long road. And as my father keeps telling me, "It just means when your kids show up, it will mean that much more."

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